Kyabjé Dilgo Khyentsé Rinpoché Centennial

What a profound blessing it was to take part in Khyentse Yangsi Rinpoché's first teaching event in the West! This was the centennial celebration of Kyabjé Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoché, Yangsi Rinpoché's predecessor, who was born 100 years ago. As you know, I was looking so forward to this event that I nearly conjured up obstacles to attending. Thankfully, none arose.

Yangsi Rinpoché gave teachings on taking refuge, bodhicitta, and the four noble truths. He conferred the refuge and bodhisattva vows, as well as a Sakyamuni Buddha empowerment. We did two tantric visualization practices: that of Sakyamuni, and that of Dilgo Khyentse.

Yangsi Rinpoché just turned 17, and I get the feeling he is teaching more out of a combined sense of duty or moral obligation and compassion than a feeling of readiness on his part. He has been highly solicited; people everywhere have made offerings and requests for teachings, even at his very young age, because of their devotion to Khyentse Rinpoché and their connection to him. Yangsi Rinpoché made it clear that he feels devoid of Khyentse Rinpoché's qualities. But he was born with his mind, and I am sure these qualities will develop and fully ripen in time.

The teachings he offered us were simply formulated, and I gained quite a few take-home messages from them. In particular, I learned about the Seven Branch Prayer to Guru Rinpoché, about the meaning and practical utility of each line. I also retained a quote from Shantideva, who said that all happiness comes from wishing others happiness, while all suffering comes from wishing happiness for only ourselves. Another piece of the teachings that struck a chord for me was when Yangsi Rinpoché said to really rejoice in having taken the bodhisattva vow, a much more valuable thing to have been given than a castle or the World Cup, because not only does the vow benefit oneself, but all sentient beings. Its value is beyond comparison. I was really grateful for these and other insights.

The highlight of the retreat was a guru yoga practice, which took the entire last day. The Aurora of Blessings (what a beautiful name!) sadhana, composed by Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoché himself, brought us an opportunity to strengthen the ties we had to him and emulate him to whatever extent we could. All of this in the presence of his reincarnation, Yangsi Rinpoché, who is not other than himself. It is no more likely that I should come across this chance than that of plucking a star out of the sky.

I knew and felt the preciousness of this opportunity, and yet on that day, I had very limited view and found it difficult. The morning was long and there was much I didn't understand. There was repetition in the three languages (Tibetan, French, English) for every prayer and visualization instruction. There were many prayers from a booklet I didn't have, and like many others, didn't know I could have. In the afternoon, there were very long sitting periods on the very hard floor in addition to the morning's issues. There were seemingly endless mantra meditations with mantras that were difficult to pronounce and even more difficult to memorize, adding discomfort to discomfort. On that day I deeply felt the tendency to reject and even hate discomfort. I deeply felt my attachment to ease, and anger at the lack of it.

I saw during the course of the teachings that I have a very long way to go, not that I wasn't already acutely aware of the fact. My attentiveness is apparently dull even given the kind of space a retreat like this offers. I was not present enough at the time to perceive the immensity of the gift I was receiving. Beforehand, yes, and afterward, yes, but not at the time when it mattered the most. I was happy that my family made their sacrifices to get me there, and appreciative of Rinpoché's time and that of all the people who contributed to the event's organization, but at times I was more focused on my own discomfort - mostly psychological - than on the celebration and blessing surrounding me. It ended up penetrating my skin, and I received it in a matter of days, but I wonder if this dull quality of mine would have permitted it even to do that had I stayed in retreat.

I had thoughts of doubt along with my intense desires and aversions. Not doubt in the dharma itself, but in my own capacity to persevere on the path. Those long mantra recitations were hard. By the end of 1½ hours I had long since returned my rudraksha mala (the Nyingma mala of renunciation - how pompous!) to its idle position on my left wrist, and I'm sure my eyes darted around the room as much as my mind went around the sphere of ridiculous, vagabond cognitive activity. I changed position many times, "meditating" mostly with my arms hugging my knees.

When the second consecutive mantra recitation began, I wanted nothing more than for it to end. I paid no more attention than a passing listen to the lama's instruction to experience the presence of Kyabjé Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoché as if he were actually there, let alone the many details of his appearance. I held his image in my heart for surely no longer than a few minutes. I was sincere in my wish to practice, and while Rinpoché's image was with me I felt true devotion. I just couldn't do it for longer. I have a long way to go.

Where was the peace I sometimes found in my personal meditations? Did I forget it at home, at my altar? I had brought my cushion; why was it so uncomfortable here? This was aversion at its best: When would it STOP?! Yangsi Rinpoché had earlier quoted Shantideva, saying that all suffering comes from wanting happiness for only oneself. Indeed, it does. So what to do in moments like these, when that is our only desire? How do we just get over ourselves?

The blessings are worth the difficulty. I faced head-on the samsaric grasping and rejecting, attachment and aversion. This sadhana consists of the words of the guru himself, Kyabjé Dilgo Khyentse Rinpoché. These are the very instructions, the map to ultimate happiness, which Yangsi Rinpoché made clear, is so much more valuable than worldly pleasures. What I didn't understand at the time, I take now as a simple blessing. The experience has brought me to a place, in the days since the teachings ended, where I can weather storms of negativity and flurries of excitement with equanimity. I have seen what this mind is, and now I know what it can do. I hope to persevere in making Dilgo Khyentse and Yangsi Rinpoché's aspirations bear fruit. May I and all beings, by the tremendous merit of this event, be liberated in the expanse of the dharma.

Sarva Mangalam.