progress

For the past 14 months, since my daughter was born, my daily meditation has moved to the evening. If I had no other priorities, I would prefer to keep it in the morning, because I find my mind much clearer then. It's also easier to be disciplined in the morning, when there is less chance of exhaustion from the day's events creeping in to disturb any positive intentions. My main concern is that the evening is less conducive to progress because of these things.

There are days when I really question whether or not I am advancing on my spiritual path. Of course, the path isn't all about sitting on the cushion, and family life offers up a lot of opportunity for practice. But the cushion is where I can really find silence, and I feel that is really important to progress.

Progress is a hard word to define, though. Some of the Buddhist masters I have read answer the question of "How can I judge my progress on the path?" simply: "By asking yourself, 'Am I becoming more adept at letting go?'" I think so. Life with kids means a lot of changes, all the time. Anicca (impermanence) is a much more obvious part of daily life than when kids aren't part of the picture, and as a parent I have really learned to let go with a little less resistance. I'm not saying I'm exactly great at letting go, but I think I'm better, and I'm surprised to find that the skill of letting go of worldly things like a rigid plan, once acquired, is not too hard to apply to letting go of things like negative emotions. I guess it's hard enough to get to the point of letting go of worldly things. I wish this were some kind of frontier that could be reached, without danger of slipping back across, but it is not. It waxes and wanes. Based on what - External circumstances? Internal factors like neurotransmitters and hormones and chakras? Diligence in practice?

Others say you can check in on your own progress by asking yourself, "Am I becoming more gentle?" and I find this is a good way to characterize progress. But for me there are a few more details to be clarified. What if last week I was gentle with myself and others, but the stress of this week means I am more agressive than I have been in a while? What if this has also happened on a scale of years rather than weeks, such that the intensity of my newly assumed status of (sleep-deprived) mother presents challenges that sometimes make me emotionally reactive? If I actually become less gentle now than I was at some nice point in the past, can I still say I am progressing? Is the meditation practice I maintain in the face of all this even beneficial?

If I ask myself the question, 'Am I becoming more alive?' I unhesitatingly answer that I am. Is this because of my practice? Is this because of family life? And anyway, what does it mean to be more or less alive? If it is to rejoice more strongly in worldly things like babies and families, is it not an obstacle to the pursuit of enlightenment, nirvana, the cessation of samsara? Well, I don't think so. I live in samsara, with all the defilements that accompany life here. As I have mentioned before, I feel that my relationship with my daughter has already helped tremendously in terms of the development of compassion, which is crucial to this pursuit. I cannot even imagine the multitude of things I will learn from her in the future. If being more alive means being more conscious, more present in many moments, then this is obviously also crucial and beneficial.

I think that in effect, I haven't a lot of choice but to be exactly what I am. My body/mind construct is what it is because of a whole lot of karmic history. My diligence or lack thereof on the cushion in the evening, my progress or lack of it, my stable or unstable mind - all of these are already decided. The choice I do have is in my response to these things. I can keep the motivation and dedicate myself to progress on the noble path, and in time it will come to fruition. This is what I can choose, and so, I do. Sarva mangalam.